A long, long time ago, I met a dog. Her name was Pearl. She was something to behold.
Shortly before I knew more about her, I had a half dream, half truth and half awake thought about what I could do to help some animals the heck out of the nightmares of the storms we were living in Florida that year.
The thought involved a plane that would hold many animals and get them to safety. I even thought I might have been insane.
Well, turns out I was, I found a plane, a shit ton of money and safe places for the animals to be. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep that week. Nor did any of the staff that worked with me at that shelter.
Today, I got a call that probably changed my life in so many ways I can't begin to explain. One of the owners of one of the animals called - she'd tracked me down on Facebook and she wanted to let me know that Ms. Pearl was on her way to heaven soon.
I went through half a box of Kleenex while wrestling with the joy I knew was still part of the equation. .
Someways, it's easier to just be. Others's it's easier to be a pushy broad. And most just fill you up like this day and you pray you have enough Kleenex to cry yourself out of it.
I could not be more grateful. I'm not sure there is enough Love for a day like this. But I do know this - if you don't follow your dreams, you will not help the world be a better place.
Follow on, fellow seekers.
Saturday, October 28, 2017
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Therapy Hangovers
Ever had one? Well, think of drinking about 40 shots of 40 different liquors, toss in some lime, lemon and a good, yet difficult conversation and see how you feel the next day, doing everything you must normally do.
I have therapy hangovers now. I chose to go back into therapy as a live in, full time caregiver for my mom with definitively mixed dementia including Alzheimer's; the moderate stage. I woke up one morning and discovered I was getting lost in the situation, and needed a vacation, if only for an hour a week.
I contacted my mom's Doctor, to ask for a recommendation and first he wanted me to see someone in another town over an hour away, which presented obvious difficulties in the first place, not to mention I know that when I dig deep, driving more than 7 minutes is not the best plan because I'm like a hurricane after some of these discussions - calm, then full on, then calm, then drowning. So, I waited it out a bit, and then he realized that his partner might be a better plan for me for above stated reasons and perhaps a million more including, I know myself much better now. He was blessedly correct about his second recommendation.
I've done therapy for years, usually because someone else said JENNIFER YOU need to be in therapy. I finally acquiesced after several failed attempts by interviewing these people to see if they and I might be a fit for each other. The Doctor I found at that point literally helped me save my own life.
So, 17 years later, I find myself back in, at my own behest and I could not be more happy about it. Excepting the days like today where I have to have Kleenex closer to me than I do water to re-hydrate from the roughness I've still not managed to uncover. I often feel like an onion on these days being carefully peeled layer by layer by a Le Cordon Bleu Chef. Tender, raw and filled with the offer of tears always at the surface. I have to overtly remind myself over and over to be gentle with myself. Sometimes I write it on my mirror the night after a session to wake to the reminder. It doesn't always help, just for the record. Ironically, last visit, he promoted me to twice a month instead of once a week, saying "he noted more grace in me". What? I thought as I walked in yesterday.
It usually takes me about half a day to get it figured out - what is wrong with me? I go through the list - do I have PMS? Is mom ill? Did I sleep? Have I eaten? Then AHA, yes, even with the note on the mirror - THERAPY HANGOVER.
Yesterday's appointment was more emotional than usual so I went through that list with my therapist. Thankfully, he laughed along with me - we checked to be certain all my limbs were functioning and that no, indeed, I was not losing my mind, but this was the very context of going deep.
Oh.
I owe him a box of tissues, from yesterday alone.
The purpose of writing this is to remind myself and who knows who else - there is no shame is seeking help when things turn tough. His job is to remind me they ARE tough and I'm not making that up and to walk through it with as much grace as possible. That, that is all we all can do no matter the challenge.
He must have been a merman in his last life.
In gratitude.
I have therapy hangovers now. I chose to go back into therapy as a live in, full time caregiver for my mom with definitively mixed dementia including Alzheimer's; the moderate stage. I woke up one morning and discovered I was getting lost in the situation, and needed a vacation, if only for an hour a week.
I contacted my mom's Doctor, to ask for a recommendation and first he wanted me to see someone in another town over an hour away, which presented obvious difficulties in the first place, not to mention I know that when I dig deep, driving more than 7 minutes is not the best plan because I'm like a hurricane after some of these discussions - calm, then full on, then calm, then drowning. So, I waited it out a bit, and then he realized that his partner might be a better plan for me for above stated reasons and perhaps a million more including, I know myself much better now. He was blessedly correct about his second recommendation.
I've done therapy for years, usually because someone else said JENNIFER YOU need to be in therapy. I finally acquiesced after several failed attempts by interviewing these people to see if they and I might be a fit for each other. The Doctor I found at that point literally helped me save my own life.
So, 17 years later, I find myself back in, at my own behest and I could not be more happy about it. Excepting the days like today where I have to have Kleenex closer to me than I do water to re-hydrate from the roughness I've still not managed to uncover. I often feel like an onion on these days being carefully peeled layer by layer by a Le Cordon Bleu Chef. Tender, raw and filled with the offer of tears always at the surface. I have to overtly remind myself over and over to be gentle with myself. Sometimes I write it on my mirror the night after a session to wake to the reminder. It doesn't always help, just for the record. Ironically, last visit, he promoted me to twice a month instead of once a week, saying "he noted more grace in me". What? I thought as I walked in yesterday.
It usually takes me about half a day to get it figured out - what is wrong with me? I go through the list - do I have PMS? Is mom ill? Did I sleep? Have I eaten? Then AHA, yes, even with the note on the mirror - THERAPY HANGOVER.
Yesterday's appointment was more emotional than usual so I went through that list with my therapist. Thankfully, he laughed along with me - we checked to be certain all my limbs were functioning and that no, indeed, I was not losing my mind, but this was the very context of going deep.
Oh.
I owe him a box of tissues, from yesterday alone.
The purpose of writing this is to remind myself and who knows who else - there is no shame is seeking help when things turn tough. His job is to remind me they ARE tough and I'm not making that up and to walk through it with as much grace as possible. That, that is all we all can do no matter the challenge.
He must have been a merman in his last life.
In gratitude.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
And So It Is
I find myself in tears this morning for more reasons than I can explain over the Presidential election.
One of which, is the fact that I didn't go to bed until approximately 5 this morning. I felt like a bird that had flown into a window at 90 miles an hour; I am so stunned. I cannot help but think half this country wanting change that frightens me, my family and anyone who might think outside of the box.
When I did go to bed, I went to rest next to my mom, in her bed. which is approximately the size of a large yacht. And there were even monsters under her bed in my dreams. I woke praying it was all a nightmare; until my body reacted by a full on sob festival. I didn't want to miss Hillary's speech, so I got up at 8 ready for her to shine. Which she did. I can't imagine the security nightmare today presents, so I'm not distressed it took her a bit to get on stage.
I told a friend yesterday that I felt like "it will be what it will be" and we should simply be grateful that we get to participate. Not so sure I'm feeling that lie today.
I don't like the concept of living in negativity.
HOWEVER, I'm not without hope. It's a great day to be kind to everyone, especially ourselves. To remember we choose to live in a country that allows us to fight for what we believe in. We have an opportunity to comprehend differences, grace and tolerance like never before. Perhaps we will also learn about our very own space of grief in ways like never before. I also believe we may find more faith than we ever knew existed, as we move together as one. Respect is a lesson in this as well.
And so it is.
Big love from this mermaid
You must welcome change as the rule but not as your ruler. Denis Waitley
One of which, is the fact that I didn't go to bed until approximately 5 this morning. I felt like a bird that had flown into a window at 90 miles an hour; I am so stunned. I cannot help but think half this country wanting change that frightens me, my family and anyone who might think outside of the box.
When I did go to bed, I went to rest next to my mom, in her bed. which is approximately the size of a large yacht. And there were even monsters under her bed in my dreams. I woke praying it was all a nightmare; until my body reacted by a full on sob festival. I didn't want to miss Hillary's speech, so I got up at 8 ready for her to shine. Which she did. I can't imagine the security nightmare today presents, so I'm not distressed it took her a bit to get on stage.
I told a friend yesterday that I felt like "it will be what it will be" and we should simply be grateful that we get to participate. Not so sure I'm feeling that lie today.
I don't like the concept of living in negativity.
HOWEVER, I'm not without hope. It's a great day to be kind to everyone, especially ourselves. To remember we choose to live in a country that allows us to fight for what we believe in. We have an opportunity to comprehend differences, grace and tolerance like never before. Perhaps we will also learn about our very own space of grief in ways like never before. I also believe we may find more faith than we ever knew existed, as we move together as one. Respect is a lesson in this as well.
And so it is.
Big love from this mermaid
You must welcome change as the rule but not as your ruler. Denis Waitley
Friday, October 28, 2016
And the beat goes on.....
I spend a bit more time these days than most on, concepts like oh.....shed doors and sealing of decks. Thankfully, I have my uncle to help me through all that as for me being a never home-owner it gets a tinge befuddling.
With my mom in ill health metaphysically(that's how I have finally decided to describe Alzheimer's), I feel a great comfort in the fact that my uncle does things like order shed doors from afar. Not that I know what to do with them, other than find someone able.
Meanwhile, my neighbor is having a new roof put on and several other home repairs that begin at well, let's just call it too early for my life schedule. It borders on rude in my sleeplessness state of life in general, but that could be my issue as opposed to actual life. I don't recall anymore.
I wake laughing mostly, thinking REALLY? So we have 5 appointments for my mom this week, and you have an air compressor practically sitting in my left eardrum? (at least I know what an air compressor is, so due credit, if you please) I honestly thought they were on my garage for a moment. Unpleasant is the word I use in public to describe it.
Let's get back to actuality here. FIVE appointments in one week. I told my mom she needed to find a new concert tour manager, because clearly, I have over booked us. Several of the doctors laughed. One, without a sense of humor...well, there may have been a smile. I'll take it. Doing stand up comedy in a doctors office is not always amusing, even when things are all good. Note to self.
I pray and hope all you caregivers out there are finding rest, have no construction next to your eardrums and the love of a great family, like mine. More soon.
Love,
This Mermaid
With my mom in ill health metaphysically(that's how I have finally decided to describe Alzheimer's), I feel a great comfort in the fact that my uncle does things like order shed doors from afar. Not that I know what to do with them, other than find someone able.
Meanwhile, my neighbor is having a new roof put on and several other home repairs that begin at well, let's just call it too early for my life schedule. It borders on rude in my sleeplessness state of life in general, but that could be my issue as opposed to actual life. I don't recall anymore.
I wake laughing mostly, thinking REALLY? So we have 5 appointments for my mom this week, and you have an air compressor practically sitting in my left eardrum? (at least I know what an air compressor is, so due credit, if you please) I honestly thought they were on my garage for a moment. Unpleasant is the word I use in public to describe it.
Let's get back to actuality here. FIVE appointments in one week. I told my mom she needed to find a new concert tour manager, because clearly, I have over booked us. Several of the doctors laughed. One, without a sense of humor...well, there may have been a smile. I'll take it. Doing stand up comedy in a doctors office is not always amusing, even when things are all good. Note to self.
I pray and hope all you caregivers out there are finding rest, have no construction next to your eardrums and the love of a great family, like mine. More soon.
Love,
This Mermaid
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Some Days......
I attempt to write about what it's like taking care of my mother with serious memory loss. A couple of diseases, some stroke activity in the past and several other things contribute to these circumstances. Grief, notwithstanding. Add in a couple of surgeries on a collarbone and welcome to my mom's world.
I've tried to write out my day in, day out situation - but it never comes out right. It sounds like whining 99 percent of the time and that is the last thing I'd like to be projected upon this circumstance.
So here's some scoop:
- It's hard enough watching anyone's memory diminish, but then having to be the kind, patient human that tends to reminding makes it a bit more challenging as the daughter.
- It's not a half day, sit on the couch and eat bon bon's the other half of the day kind of a gig here - it's 24/7. I don't rest well often, unless, seriously gratefully, my aunt is here for the night, as I'm always concerned about a fall or some other kind of health issue
- I'm almost always half awake. I have always been a night owl and now I that I comprehend I was saving up and that now it's related to the fact that it's the only time I have to sit and write and think and watch what I want and not answer questions for others - I can turn into me again. Then I hear mom pop up in the morning, and up we go and onward.....no calling in sick, no naps without interruptions - it is what it is.
- I manage to shower about two to three times a week, as it's not comfortable to leave the room and wonder what might be happening 13 stairs down with my feet all slippery
- There is nothing more profound than having your mother thank you for your presence. Period.
- There are days that I think I might lose my mind. These are the days I forget to ask for help. From people, from the animals and even God. On the best days I actually come to my senses and remember that all is possible with love and answers aren't mine until they are given.
- Without a support network - including family, friends, music, animals, books, therapists there is no possible way to do this type of deep care.
- When someone tells me "well, I can do dinner on Tuesday at 7" and I cannot it's frustrating to not only you maybe, but even more to me.
- I'm so grateful I've studied some of God's work in giving it up to the Divine. I'm so grateful our housekeeper (a) for her and (b) that she changes our family bible to a different page each time she comes to clean. While she may not speak English, nor I Spanish, we find a place of communication that awes me each week.
- I'm NOT as exhausted as I think I am. I'm not as exhausted as I think I am. Did I mention? I'm not as exhausted as I think I am.
- Or maybe I am. Did I mention I'm caffeine free (mostly) for the reasons of lack of sleep I mentioned above?
- I do NOT feel trapped, that is so amazing to me even as an introvert. I love being a homebody. We have a delightful woman that comes in a couple of times a week to take care of mom while I run about town, and my aunt is nearly always available.
- Planning sucks. I currently have 5 doctors appointments I'm trying to schedule in for mom - might actually be more than that soon.....and no matter who is here or what is happening, that is priority one. And it's paperwork and and and and
- Please never use the phrase
"'be sure to take time for yourself" unless you plan on being here to hang with my mom while I'm buying bon bon's. Seriously. That is not an option. Or you could just send bon-bon's. (just a thought, though I don't like chocolate as much as my mom)
- there are MOM DOWN days. This means nothing else is priority. Other than feeding and watering the animals. Gotta stop the earth for a bit, answer multiple questions
over and over again, gotta be sure SHE KNOWS she's certain she has a will and so on.....
- Grieving is a state of mind I've learned a) to exist within (whether it be pre or current related) and b) not have a true chance to do
It's incredibly challenging to be a caregiver in the first place. Many of you are right here with me in my heart and it may be that I'm writing an outline for a book about this kind of thing.....thanks for the read. And for those fellow caregiving peeps out there - wow - Amen - big love and gratitude.
Love,
This Mermaid
P.S. I love you more than ever, Mom o' mine.
I've tried to write out my day in, day out situation - but it never comes out right. It sounds like whining 99 percent of the time and that is the last thing I'd like to be projected upon this circumstance.
So here's some scoop:
- It's hard enough watching anyone's memory diminish, but then having to be the kind, patient human that tends to reminding makes it a bit more challenging as the daughter.
- It's not a half day, sit on the couch and eat bon bon's the other half of the day kind of a gig here - it's 24/7. I don't rest well often, unless, seriously gratefully, my aunt is here for the night, as I'm always concerned about a fall or some other kind of health issue
- I'm almost always half awake. I have always been a night owl and now I that I comprehend I was saving up and that now it's related to the fact that it's the only time I have to sit and write and think and watch what I want and not answer questions for others - I can turn into me again. Then I hear mom pop up in the morning, and up we go and onward.....no calling in sick, no naps without interruptions - it is what it is.
- I manage to shower about two to three times a week, as it's not comfortable to leave the room and wonder what might be happening 13 stairs down with my feet all slippery
- There is nothing more profound than having your mother thank you for your presence. Period.
- There are days that I think I might lose my mind. These are the days I forget to ask for help. From people, from the animals and even God. On the best days I actually come to my senses and remember that all is possible with love and answers aren't mine until they are given.
- Without a support network - including family, friends, music, animals, books, therapists there is no possible way to do this type of deep care.
- When someone tells me "well, I can do dinner on Tuesday at 7" and I cannot it's frustrating to not only you maybe, but even more to me.
- I'm so grateful I've studied some of God's work in giving it up to the Divine. I'm so grateful our housekeeper (a) for her and (b) that she changes our family bible to a different page each time she comes to clean. While she may not speak English, nor I Spanish, we find a place of communication that awes me each week.
- I'm NOT as exhausted as I think I am. I'm not as exhausted as I think I am. Did I mention? I'm not as exhausted as I think I am.
- Or maybe I am. Did I mention I'm caffeine free (mostly) for the reasons of lack of sleep I mentioned above?
- I do NOT feel trapped, that is so amazing to me even as an introvert. I love being a homebody. We have a delightful woman that comes in a couple of times a week to take care of mom while I run about town, and my aunt is nearly always available.
- Planning sucks. I currently have 5 doctors appointments I'm trying to schedule in for mom - might actually be more than that soon.....and no matter who is here or what is happening, that is priority one. And it's paperwork and and and and
- Please never use the phrase
"'be sure to take time for yourself" unless you plan on being here to hang with my mom while I'm buying bon bon's. Seriously. That is not an option. Or you could just send bon-bon's. (just a thought, though I don't like chocolate as much as my mom)
- there are MOM DOWN days. This means nothing else is priority. Other than feeding and watering the animals. Gotta stop the earth for a bit, answer multiple questions
over and over again, gotta be sure SHE KNOWS she's certain she has a will and so on.....
- Grieving is a state of mind I've learned a) to exist within (whether it be pre or current related) and b) not have a true chance to do
It's incredibly challenging to be a caregiver in the first place. Many of you are right here with me in my heart and it may be that I'm writing an outline for a book about this kind of thing.....thanks for the read. And for those fellow caregiving peeps out there - wow - Amen - big love and gratitude.
Love,
This Mermaid
P.S. I love you more than ever, Mom o' mine.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Book Signing Beyond Compare
My agenda tomorrow includes something called a "book signing" at a funeral home for a friend who recently passed. Knowing him as well as I barely do - here's my to do list:
1) get up
2) feed/medicate animals
3) feed/medicate mother
4) get clean including goal of good hair day - wonder if I have something clean/appropriate to wear
5) feed self
6) go to grocery store to get cat food and mom's med refills
7) pick up aunt
8) visit neighbors who have a collection of Nativity scenes they have not put away yet, so we can see them
9) go to wine store
10) go to funeral home to sign the book and show we care
11) go to closest pub and toast said deceased knowing he would love my priorities
There is a bit more to the day than I am able to emote into words just yet, not the least of which would be how everyone does everything differently when it comes to death. I LOVE that there are no rules - at least that I'm aware of. Keeping in mind that most of the death related ceremonies I've attended have been held for animals or very, very (did I mention VERY) unconventional people. Or relatives that passed on or before I was 12 years old.
I love living in a small, big town that seems to understand that there are those of us (ahem, me) that don't understand. It's kinda crazy in a 6 Feet Under way.
I miss you L - and I hope you can see and feel that love wherever you are. Thanks for fixing my iPad. May your new space offer you more cracked screens, lots of appreciated challenges, better goo-gone, even bigger learning and ever more laughter. Keep the faith dude. I feel you. Thanks for signing the book of our friendship.
- Jenn
1) get up
2) feed/medicate animals
3) feed/medicate mother
4) get clean including goal of good hair day - wonder if I have something clean/appropriate to wear
5) feed self
6) go to grocery store to get cat food and mom's med refills
7) pick up aunt
8) visit neighbors who have a collection of Nativity scenes they have not put away yet, so we can see them
9) go to wine store
10) go to funeral home to sign the book and show we care
11) go to closest pub and toast said deceased knowing he would love my priorities
There is a bit more to the day than I am able to emote into words just yet, not the least of which would be how everyone does everything differently when it comes to death. I LOVE that there are no rules - at least that I'm aware of. Keeping in mind that most of the death related ceremonies I've attended have been held for animals or very, very (did I mention VERY) unconventional people. Or relatives that passed on or before I was 12 years old.
I love living in a small, big town that seems to understand that there are those of us (ahem, me) that don't understand. It's kinda crazy in a 6 Feet Under way.
I miss you L - and I hope you can see and feel that love wherever you are. Thanks for fixing my iPad. May your new space offer you more cracked screens, lots of appreciated challenges, better goo-gone, even bigger learning and ever more laughter. Keep the faith dude. I feel you. Thanks for signing the book of our friendship.
- Jenn
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Oh Christmas Tree!
It took me about three weeks to work up the gumption to decide what to do about a Christmas tree this year. My mom has a HUGE pretend one, that took ninja-like wrestling to get out of the house last year, finally, in March. Oh yes, March. Things like Christmas trees don't seem to be top of the priority list when one's mother has a diagnosis of Mixed Dementia. Better known as (Doctor dependent) as Alzheimer's and Parkinson's Diseases.
But I digress.....Well, sort of.
The most important thing to me in the universe currently is seeing the FULL ON glowing smile my mom gives when the joy is seeping out of her. She's functional with a side of repetitive short term memory issues, so it's not like she's lying in a bed hoping for a miracle. She IS a living miracle. And trees are one of her most favorite things.
Last year I had the sad task of having a trimming service come out and deal with the trees that were either deceased or dying and our Texas yard is barren for us girls from Michigan used to a tree at every turn. I was gently reminded at the second funeral I attended this past summer for two fathers of dear friends, that trees are vital to life. One of the sons recently pointed out to me that one could purchase a living tree - one that could be planted and grow for the future.
So I donned my Santa hat, and went to the local nursery after phoning to be certain they had what I was looking for. The very lovely people that came to our home and had to take away our deceased trees. The wife of the owner came out and helped me select the perfect tree, along with her dachshund who wasn't as fond as I, of my Santa hat. My main concern above WHICH tree, was how was I going to fit it in/on the vehicle in the midst of a lovely West Texas dust storm when lo - she told me they deliver. It took a lot out of me to not sit on the ground and sob.
Picking out a tree for one's family, by oneself is a challenging task I'm used to the frivolity of the experience of many laughing and listening to Christmas songs and laughter over that one time the tree fell on Aunt C's head when she and I attempted to put it up ourselves to surprise the family. (Thankfully, no emergency rooms or professionals were required that year...but close)
So this year, I asked the lovely owner if she would take a picture of me, so I could share the moment with my family who could not be with me. And with a line of at least 7 people there, she excused herself and came out to take my photo in front of our soon to be Christmas tree. Yesterday, they delivered it.
Naturally it was too tall. Perfectly too tall. And the delightful man that we use to take care of our lawn, moved it to the corner the tree will spend some time with us, helped trim it and even placed the angel on top. Naturally, as well, I cried.
My suggested lesson in all of this is to call in a favor from angels and see just where it gets you. It might be in the tiniest of places or the deepest spaces of your hearts.
Merry Christmas.
But I digress.....Well, sort of.
The most important thing to me in the universe currently is seeing the FULL ON glowing smile my mom gives when the joy is seeping out of her. She's functional with a side of repetitive short term memory issues, so it's not like she's lying in a bed hoping for a miracle. She IS a living miracle. And trees are one of her most favorite things.
Last year I had the sad task of having a trimming service come out and deal with the trees that were either deceased or dying and our Texas yard is barren for us girls from Michigan used to a tree at every turn. I was gently reminded at the second funeral I attended this past summer for two fathers of dear friends, that trees are vital to life. One of the sons recently pointed out to me that one could purchase a living tree - one that could be planted and grow for the future.
So I donned my Santa hat, and went to the local nursery after phoning to be certain they had what I was looking for. The very lovely people that came to our home and had to take away our deceased trees. The wife of the owner came out and helped me select the perfect tree, along with her dachshund who wasn't as fond as I, of my Santa hat. My main concern above WHICH tree, was how was I going to fit it in/on the vehicle in the midst of a lovely West Texas dust storm when lo - she told me they deliver. It took a lot out of me to not sit on the ground and sob.
Picking out a tree for one's family, by oneself is a challenging task I'm used to the frivolity of the experience of many laughing and listening to Christmas songs and laughter over that one time the tree fell on Aunt C's head when she and I attempted to put it up ourselves to surprise the family. (Thankfully, no emergency rooms or professionals were required that year...but close)
So this year, I asked the lovely owner if she would take a picture of me, so I could share the moment with my family who could not be with me. And with a line of at least 7 people there, she excused herself and came out to take my photo in front of our soon to be Christmas tree. Yesterday, they delivered it.
Naturally it was too tall. Perfectly too tall. And the delightful man that we use to take care of our lawn, moved it to the corner the tree will spend some time with us, helped trim it and even placed the angel on top. Naturally, as well, I cried.
My suggested lesson in all of this is to call in a favor from angels and see just where it gets you. It might be in the tiniest of places or the deepest spaces of your hearts.
Merry Christmas.
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