One of the more challenging roles I've uncovered in the four years I have been giving care to my mother with Alzheimer's/Mixed Dementia is being the "gatekeeper".
Some people just assume it's fine to just come by when they wish. Others call begging for time. In our current phase, mom's rest and healing of her shoulder is more important than visitors that sometimes make her uncomfortable. The last thing she needs is more confusion, frustration or any sort of circumstance that may make her more "lost".
I realize people miss my mom. I realize people are concerned she may "forget" them. But I also realize that her health comes first. And, if anyone thinks it's easy for me to say "NO, not today or I'm not sure when just now", then they don't truly know or trust me. Heck, I'm even guilty of having a pal of my own over on a day that maybe was filled with discombobulation. But I'm still in training.
So, when I have to say "no" to you, please don't take it personally. Please understand that this period in our lives is all about my mom's well-being. I don't want to call it my "job" to caregive my mom - because it is an honor; but I do appreciate anyone who respects my judgement on why I have to say "no" sometimes.
It's called boundaries and it's finally time for my family to set them.
Big love.
It is in fact a job but can still be an honor. As you know I lived through this, and seem to be on the same or similar journey again, as they are never the "same". But it's a job I accept with honor and do with grace (usually and as best as I can! lol)but this second time around I feel much more of a need to establish the boundaries early before we end up swirling in a soup of hurt feelings, misunderstood words and/or intentions. Something as simple, and funny if you make it that way, as a "Do Not Disturb" sign on your door can work wonders and spare feelings. And remember it applies to caregivers, too because we don't have to always be "on" when others want us to be. You are doing a freakin' AMAZING job, Jen, all of you are <3 <3
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